ReportFromTheFront's Blog

          We have a little Shih-Tzu named Petie. He’s about as cute as anything God ever put on four legs, but he’s well…..inherently stupid. When he goes for a walk, he has trouble deciding which leg to lift and when called upon to perform his only other biological function, he seems to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out the best position, calculating the proper angle of trajectory and so on. You get the idea.             

     Right now, he has a roommate. Me. Lucky for me, my sudden assertion of squatters’ rights seem to be of absolutely of no importance to him whatsoever and it appears that he could truly care less. All he knows is that he now has company for the moment and he seems to be okay with that. 

              The reason behind my sudden change in living quarters is simple: Mrs. ReportFromTheFront and I had a disagreement (translation: a simple discussion which she escalated into a knock down, drag out fight) on a point which – even from the beginning never quite made sense - and on which in the final analysis, I found that I could not compromise (translation: I made the grievous mistake of trying to stick to the matter at hand rather than encourage a discussion about her feelings on the subject which provoked the argument in the first place). In the end, of course, the thing that really did me in was that despite being in the right – and I was - I didn’t immediately capitulate, concede complete and utter defeat, admit she was right all along, beg for forgiveness and state for the record that I was, as usual, an unadulterated male moron.

  

            All of which shouldn’t be necessary in a lucid conversation between two adults.

  

            I just stopped to read what I wrote. Why do they want us to say we’re morons? I just don’t understand this. As a gender, we can’t possibly be that stupid. After all, we guys have come up with all kinds of important stuff that has clearly made this world a better place in which to live like the remote control and the claw hammer. And (here’s the kicker) what about Nacho Cheese Doritos? No way any woman coulda come up with that one. Just no way.

 

            So lucid or not, here I am with Petie, each of us jockeying for position on the doggie pillow – a fight which, though he’s only 17 lbs, I seem to be losing.

 

          Now that I have some spare time on my hands I’ve begun to wonder about a few things. Like, for example, why it is that whenever men and women find themselves on opposite ends of an issue, we men always seem to come up short.   

 

The solution, my dear Watson, is obvious: Men know how to argue. Women know how to fight.

When we men get into a discussion with anyone about anything, we look at it as a problem to be resolved and that’s what we try to do. On the other hand, women see it differently. To them, any difference of opinion with the male of the species (It’s been well documented that women generally give other women a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free- card once each understands how the other one feels) involves much more than the facts at hand and somehow, they begin to feel as though they’re in a fight for their very lives and the survival of the species. Men want to just resolve the issue and move on. Women want to annihilate the enemy, even if they’re wrong. Especially if they're wrong. And you’ll notice that the more wrong they are, the harder they’ll fight. Once they’re in the heat of battle, all bets are off and absolutely nothing is off limits; your waist size, an old girlfriend, your mother, something totally unrelated that you screwed up. Women will bring every weapon to bear and no matter how things turn out, they’ll go down fighting and take as many of us with them as they possibly can.  

 So in an effort to help you guys understand us guys, I came up with a list of pointers to hopefully make the next set-to a little smoother and maybe even avoid it in the forst place. Maybe it'll even the playing field a bit and allow some of us to survive. 

          Rules of Engagement

  

1. Don’t pick fights over childish, insipid things. If you’re resolved to start an

    argument, make sure it’s for a real and substantive reason.

 

2. If you have to start a fight, always tell us what it’s about. Statements such as “If you

    don’t know, then I’m not gonna tell you” says that there really isn’t an issue. If you

     can’t tell us what the problem is, then there isn’t one. 

 

3. Stick to the subject. Don’t deflect or go off on a side issue. Don’t bring up anything

    else unless it has something directly  to do with whatever it is we’re arguing 

   about.

 

         4. All arguments should be based on what happened - not about how you feel about

            what happened. Feelings are irrelevant. Stick to the facts. When in doubt, refer to

            Rule  #3.

 

        5. We don’t care what your girlfriends said, think or told you to say. We’re only

            concerned about what you think and have to say.  

 

        6. Anything we said more than a week ago is inadmissible in any argument.

           The fact is that for the most part, we can’t remember what we said or did 6 hours

           ago much less 6 months ago. 

 

        7. Don’t bring problems to us unless you want a solution. Men are problem solvers.

            That’s what we do. If you want sympathy, that’s what your girlfriends are for.

 

        8. Don’t ask us to solve a problem and then argue with us because we came up

            with a solution you don’t like. If you don’t like our solution, don’t criticize us for

            trying to help as requested. Do us both a favor and come up with one of your own.

 

        9. If you ask us to solve a problem, always tell us all of the relevant facts. All of them.

            Period. Don’t wait for us to arrive at a solution and then surprise us with

            something you conveniently forgot to mention.

 

     10. When it’s over, it’s over. Don’t keep rehashing the same stuff we settled hours ago

           in the hopes that by revisiting the matter, you’ll be able to change our minds by

           wearing us down and eventually beating us into submission.

         

          One other thing - always remember that in the end, no matter how thin you slice it, it’s still baloney.